My New Favorite Mess

I just got off of my mission a few weeks ago.  I learned a ton, and I learned it all much faster than I’d ever learned anything before.  But I think the greatest thing I learned was, well, how to learn.  Before my mission, I liked to study like crazy before diving into anything so that I could get things right the first time—restrict my errors to the confines of my own mind as much as possible.  I did this with everything—school, art, even sports.

So when I got to the MTC and the first thing our teacher asked us to do was to pray in Portuguese, of course my first question was, “Irmão Perkes, may we please learn Portuguese before we speak it?”  “No Sister Carter, you may not,” was his answer.  I found him completely absurd.  He seemed to think that it was okay to make mistakes and that falling flat on your face was just part of the daily routine.  I soon learned that he was not so much absurd as he was right.

As it turns out, studying, listening to a lecture, or observing a demonstration can only get me so far on my quest for knowledge.  There comes a point when I have to take a leap of faith, put myself out there, and act.  But there’s a kind of scary trick to all of this—despite careful daily preparation, it is only after offering up my whole self that I am able to see that there were parts of me that I hadn’t accounted for, that I’d left behind or that I’d put on the altar without cleaning first.  And at that point, yep, I’m pretty sure that, “I would fain be glad if I could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon me and hide me from the Lord’s presence” (Alma 12:14).  But since I can’t, I just stay where I am and the Lord looks over my wonderful efforts and He looks over the parts of me that terrify me… and… He tells me I’m amazing and forgives my sins???  I’m not sure I really get it.  So He hugs me and I’m happy, and I tell Him that I like it here but that I have to go because I’ve got some parts of me that I still need to work on, is that okay?  He thinks that’s a great idea and sends me away with the Spirit to be with me and a “Tchau until next Sunday.”

So as part of my learning plan this semester, I’m going to make my writing public.  And I won’t wait until I have a polished final product to engage my audience.  That might just be impossible and at any rate, it’s very isolating.  I’m going to give my whole self to writing, yes, even the mess.  Now does that mean that I’m going to sit there stubbornly in my own filth?  No.  But the errors and, yes, the sins will come.  That’s a guarantee.  Everyone on this earth makes his or herself cringe at one point or another.  It’s just that, when that happens, I plan on picking myself right back up and letting Christ brush me off.